Journal #1

I am going to apologize in advance if this particular entry isn't the most shining example of my experience over the past couple of weeks. I just spent the past hour trying to get AWAY from the insanity that is the football game outside and was forced out of my house by partially drunk roommates taking shots to awful country and mainstream radio music. I have no sanctuary at the moment other then my beloved library and for that I am eternally grateful.

Onward with my official record of experience: I had a lot of questions today that I knew asking would be equivalent to pointless. Some of them go as such, "Fundamental problems of education in high school to college... deficiency in high school is not address and turns into obstacles in college, why aren't these simple issues addressed? How do you make an even ground or playing field, so to speak, for general education to use as a foundation to build on without being a complete socialist? Ideals can be dangerous when gripped so readily, whole-heartedly and desperately. Passion leads to real difference. But how long can you do it? Be passionate? You need your one success. How practical is it to be idealistically passionate, optimistic and essentially naive? Where's the balance of optimism and cynicism (or realist, skeptic)?"

I know some of those aren't exactly questions but they were my mental monologue from our class discussion tonight. And answering those questions would take hours of debate and research and endless revision and some simply can not be answered at all. So I come to a very hard decision for myself to resign to the fate that, as a prospective teacher, out to make a DIFFERENCE, and change the way things work, at some point, in some way, I have to realize that my ideals are sometimes more dangerous then the potential harm the current system is creating. That said, I had some good connections I made with our readings over the past two weeks

Out of all five of our readings, Bruffee's "Conversation of Mankind" struck the strongest cord with me. I am almost in love with his idea of our thoughts, writing and conversation and how they are all inexplicably connected via ourselves and others. When I read that last night, I sat and thought about everything and in relation to his statements and realized that I had subconsciously known what he was saying for a long time and it was starting to come out little by little but that particular article really brought it all out, all at once. As much as North's first article on the "Idea of a Writing Center" really makes a kind of manifesto and call to arms, I thought that what Bruffee had to say was a lot more meaningful and applicable and not so unrealistically idealistic.

I appreciated North's effort as well in his second article, even knowing that most of the WC community disregarded it and still put his first on its honorary pedestal. I thought I had some good discussion questions, but I had a hard time thinking of something compelling that wasn't just an observation. Forming an actual question with an actual question mark proved to be the hardest task for me this week. The reading and my very limited experience in the Center so far hadn't hit a particular chord with me that would prompt deep questions. I really enjoyed the reading, as well as my time in the Center and am becoming all the more excited to work in the Center, but as of yet, no real burning questions that aren't annoying vague and philosophical in nature. I dropped that damn class to get away from the irritating dissatisfaction of never getting a straight answer only to find that I could only form such observations myself.

I am beginning to realize the potential affect I can have on those who use our services and I'm also beginning to understand how much I'm going to LEARN through this experience. And that is why I chose to try and be a part of it, I wanted to learn all o this and its putting me in some pretty deep states of contemplation because I am in dire confusion about my current academic path. I am realizing I hold a much stronger passion for writing and the amazing feats it can accomplish within an individual and how I can facilitate that amazing change to occur with just the right circumstances and knowledge versus my art degree.

My question to myself at the moment has come down to which way I want to make a possible, hopeful difference in people's lives. It was scary how much I realized tonight how dangerous my ideals with what I want to personally accomplish are, as they were when North made his manifesto to the WC community over 20 years ago.
I have so much to think about, so much to figure out and so much to look forward over the next semester and those following it no matter which path I decide upon, writing or art.
So far, I'm having a blast!